Philosophy of the Mind
by Riss - uscmam
Summary: A series containing various crew members’ thoughts, set middle to late season four, where P/T are an accepted couple on board Voyager. These stories look at the feelings between Captain Janeway and Tom Paris.
1. The Back of His Head

_These are a series of stories, each from a different crew members perspective, looking at the relationship between Captain Janeway and Tom Paris. They have been published in other places on the net as separate stories, but I believe that they work better as chapters of one overall story. However, since they were published separately, each has its own title. I really like the different titles, so I have retained them as chapter titles. _

_There are seven chapters to this story. There are more 'thoughts' out there, but they will be posted as a different story, as they are set mid-season five and beyond. I want to update and expand, so I expect it may be several weeks before the next part goes up._

_Disclaimers - Paramount owns Star Trek. What, you didn't know that? I'm just a humble fan borrowing the characters for fun. While Paramount owns the characters, the ideas are mine, so please ask permission before taking them elsewhere, and always keep my name attached._

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Philosophy of the Mind - The Back of His Head

by Riss

I sit there everyday just looking at him. I wonder if anyone realizes just how feel about him. Some days I wonder if we will ever get together, despite the obstacles. Other days I yell at myself for even thinking about having these feelings.

Feelings, something I can no longer deny myself. When we were first lost in the Delta Quadrant, I locked myself away. All feelings beyond friendship were locked inside the walls of my heart and mind. I said that nothing would get through the walls I built around my feelings. However, two people have managed to get through.

First to enter my heart was Chakotay. Actually, maybe not the first, but the first one I allowed myself to think about. From the start we flirted. In the beginning I did it because I had this handsome enemy sitting next to me for an eight hour shift on the bridge. It helped break the tension and promoted a working relationship. For a long time, that was all it was, another way of relating to the person sitting next to me.

It was only later that the flirting actually had feelings behind it. I remember thinking when we were stranded back on New Earth that I could fall in love with this man. He is beautiful in the dark, handsome stranger type way.

I used to flirt with him on the bridge, I guess I still do. I loved the feeling of danger that it brings. A forbidden love, taking place in front of everyone. I think that's what I clung to even long after I realized that his place in my heart was as a friend. It was something that I could express, without being bound to explain myself. Everyone expected the two of us to flirt, but I can never do that with him.

Now, my heart has taken in a second invader. A man who shows no signs of departing. This is one who I never really flirted with. Someone even more forbidden than Chakotay. I hear the rumors out there about how much time I spend with Seven. How our mentor relationship has turned into more. Everyone thinks I am with her because she is my lover. We are too combative to ever be lovers. Also, I think, no I know, that is to make up for the ache I suffer in my heart. The ache for the love I can never have.

It is not my current 'protege' who I pine over, but the man I brought into the Delta Quadrant. Sure, I met Tom long before I even dreamed of falling in love with him. Back in my academy days I saw him practicing on the piloting simulator. This little kid, maybe ten years old, flying better then some of the academy standouts. Though he had grown up from the little five year old who had first practiced on them, he still was dwarfed by the machinery that surrounded him. He was just a little kid then, but I knew he would be beautiful when he grew up.

The next time I saw him, besides pictures and news reports, was at the prison in Auckland. When I arrived, I had every intention of hating him. I thought he was just a cocky, reckless, spoiled brat who deserved all that was coming to him. His attitude that day almost convinced me that there was nothing more. Except for the fact that I needed his help, I would have done everything in my power to avoid that man. But, there was more to him than the attitude. For one moment I saw the man he would become on Voyager. When he realized that I was not going to let him do any more than give directions, I could see the disappointment in his eyes. For a moment, they glowed with the desire to change my mind and prove himself.

At that point I realized that I could improve him. No, if I'm to be truthful, that's the moment I first started falling for him. When he volunteered for the away team to the array, I knew that I could count on him. The moment I knew that he deserved another chance in Starfleet and with his peers was when he went back for Chakotay. Saving an enemy redeemed him and earned my trust. I am proud that I was the one who started him on the road to redemption.

I enjoyed my time with him as his mentor. Coaching him along, praising his improved behavior and most important, whipping his butt in pool. I tried to bury any personal feelings I had. Even when I read the medical reports from the first few days, before Chakotay was able to control the Maquis actions, I distanced myself. When he left the ship to join the Talaxians, I convinced myself that he was just a member of my crew. I don't know when the barriers fell.

I think the first time I acknowledged that I actually had these feelings was when the whole Pon Farr incident with B'Elanna occurred. I couldn't deny that I was jealous. For a few days, it took all my willpower not to glare at the back of that beautiful head. But, I controlled my urges. I don't think that even Chakotay had a clue.

When I first admitted to myself that I loved him was shortly after I told Chakotay about my letter from Mark. That letter freed me of my bonds to home,the last wall left around my heart, and forced me to look at the desires of my heart. Chakotay still had a glimmer of interest for me, but I found myself instead thinking of the unattainable man in front of me on the bridge. The man who I lost into the arms of my chief engineer.

I am not angry at her. I know that she had the guts to admit her feelings, a lot more than I've been able to do. But that doesn't help the hurt that I feel when he smiles at her. I know that they are happy, but I want him.

I love Tom Paris. I love the cocky, self assured man as well as the vulnerable, troubled soul that lies within. There are days I wish I was a salamander again, just so I could be with him. Though I don't remember anything, I know that I was the one who initiated anything, because I am the one with the feelings.

So, I sit in my chair and look at his beautiful head. I gently lay my hand on his shoulder when I come down to the conn, but he doesn't know why. He doesn't realizes that I crave even that moment of contact with him. I dream of having him, even when the reality of his relationship with B'Elanna stares me in the face. I love my unattainable man, who's face I rarely see. I love the man who sits in front of me.


	2. The Hand on My Shoulder

Philosophy of the Mind - The Hand on my Shoulder

by Riss

Life is good. For the first time in a long time, I can actually say that an mean it. I know there are people who have worse lives than me, growing up without parents, without anything. However, the last ten or fifteen years have been pretty bad.

It started out when my father's standards kept growing and I was tired of keeping up. Even in the years since I last saw him I still cower at the thought of him telling me that I wasn't good enough. He still has the power over me in the Delta Quadrant. The letter that B'Elanna was never able to recover represents my hopes and fears about him.

But that isn't my problem right now. I don't have to worry about impressing him, only the Captain. I can't believe how things have changed since I first met her. I remember seeing her with my father. She was always trying to impress him. I didn't get to know her then after all I was just a kid, but I remember respecting the way she was able to stand up to my father, wishing I could do the same.

The next time I saw her was in prison. How I wanted to impress her that day. I wanted out so badly that I was willing to do anything. If she hadn't gotten me out, I don't know what I would have become. One thing's for sure, I wouldn't be as happy as I am now.

She gave me my life back. She gave me respect, even before I proved my place on the ship. I think I realized how much that respect meant, and still means to me when I died after the warp 10 experiment. I actually felt that someone would remember me, and be hurt if I was gone. Harry looks up to me because I saved him and because I have more experience. B'Elanna and Chakotay were tolerating me at that point. But the Captain respected me. Even after that salamander thing. I thought she was going to kill me for that one, until she made the comment that we don't know who started it. If I didn't know that she liked Chakotay, I would have thought she was flirting with me.

I would give my life in a second on her order. I almost have a couple of times. All she had to do was ask and I threw away most of the respect that the crew had shown me to flush out the traitor. If Chakotay had asked, I'm not sure what I would have said. Speaking of them, there are days when I wonder exactly what is going on between them. I am pretty sure that he's no longer pursuing her, but she still seems to have that lost look on her face, almost like she's in love. I hear most of their whispered conversations, even though I pretend to ignore them. At first, I used to get angry because they were flirting on the bridge. Right behind me, while on duty. OK, maybe I was a little jealous of the attention he was getting from her. I certainly had a crush on her. Then I realized that the Captain did it to break the tension as much as I make all my dumb jokes and tease Harry.

Once in a while I wonder about the hand that she rests on my shoulder. Sometimes she doesn't even notice it's there, but I do. At first I thought she was flirting with me, but I'm sure it was just my imagination. The Captain respects me, but she would never see me as any more than a colleague. For whatever reason she does it, her hand is a calming presence, reminding me of where I am. I've earned her trust.

It stopped for a while after Sakari VI and again when I first started dating B'Elanna. I thought that the Captain didn't want us to be together, especially after she yelled at us during those alien experiments. But, her hand soon came back, supporting as ever. I want to do everything I can to keep her hand there. She is the stability in my life.

Why am I sitting here thinking of the Captain. Of the beautiful woman that Kathryn is. NO, I am dating B'Elanna. I am in love with B'Elanna.

Sometimes I do wonder what would have happened if I had not been the one trapped in the caves when the Vidiians tore B'Elanna into two halves. That was when I first realized that she was important to me, first as a friend then more. Now, I'm dating the woman of my dreams. OK, maybe with a little more Klingon in her than I would have thought, but I love her for that as well. But, if I'd never realized that there was something beyond the brisk, beautiful, foreboding exterior, my life would be very different right now. I think I would still be a lot closer to the Captain, and a lot more jealous of Seven.

One of the rumors on this gossip mill of a ship is that the Captain spurned Chakotay's offers to take up Seven on her offer to 'assimilate her.' I do believe that Seven is filling a void, but not totally for Chakotay, and definitely not a sexual one. The Captain would be a lot happier than she is now, with all the techniques that Seven would have assimilated.

The Captain was the one to break things off. Never in words, which is why Chakotay pined after her for so long, but something happened. I could feel the tension between them as they sat behind me on the bridge. The time she spent by me at the conn, seeming to draw comfort from being apart from her chair increased. Also she lost Kes, a friendly female confidant. I think the emotional strain was too much and she through herself into another project helping Seven.

For a time, I thought she might try to seek me out. I'm not a councilor, but I certainly understand what it is like to be alone and on the spot. And like her I have two sides. She doesn't show that to many people, but I can see the emotional creature, Kathryn hiding behind the Captain's facade. Kind of like me, hiding my feelings behind my behavior until I fell in love with B'Elanna. Actually, I think after I was together with B'Elanna was when I realized that I was hurting her too. I was shutting her out of my life as well, when I drew closer to B'Elanna.

She's more controlled now. She's handling the emotional strain better. The tension is gone from the bridge and her hand has returned. Once in a while I get a thought that the Captain, no that Kathryn likes... Nah, I shouldn't even think like that. I respect her and she respects me, and right now, that's all I want or need.


	3. The Back of My Mind

Philosophy of the Mind - The Back of my Mind

by Riss

Every day I sit beside her. Every day I look at his head. They think I don't know. They think that they can hide their feelings from me. I don't think they have done anything about it. No, they're too smart for that. Despite her feelings, she still follows Starfleet protocols. Though I wonder if one day she will throw them out the window, as she never did with me.

You'd think a couple months alone with me on a planet would have started something. Sure, we had some good times, and that bathtub was a wonderful idea. But the minute we stepped back on the ship, it was the Captain and the Commander.

I tried to keep up our close relationship, even if we had to remain friends. Our meeting with the Borg destroyed all that. We still talk, but I know she holds back. I think the day I finally knew it was over was when the she told me about the letter from Mark. I could tell she was sad, but she didn't want my comfort. She didn't realize it, but I caught her looking at the helmsman throughout Neelix's party that night. Longing and sadness, both directed at him.

How could I have been so blind to miss the truth! I loved her for so long. I still do. Despite my flings, I know my heart will forever belong to her. What bothers me the most now is how she looks at me funny when I call her Kathryn. At first I thought it was because she enjoyed hearing it. Now, I know the truth. She would only like to hear it from him.

I feel sad to lose her, but I'm angry at him. How can he toy with B'Elanna's feelings that way. In his own way he probably loves her, but he would drop her in a second if the Captain asked.

That bastard! He has done everything in his power to destroy his own life as well as those around him and he still gets the girl, make that both girls. How can the two most beautiful and intelligent women on the ship both be in love with him. Truth be told, I bet Seven would fall in love with him if he tried.

God, how I want to hate them. I've spent hours with my Spirit Guide trying to work out my feelings. I even yelled at B'Elanna, questioning how she could be falling for that rogue. The worst part is that he really has changed since I first met him in the Maquis, even since he joined Voyager. As much as I wouldn't like to admit it, he has done nothing to win Kathryn's heart. As far as I know, he has been entirely faithful to B'Elanna. My friend doesn't have to worry that he will leave her of his own volition. A reckless accident, maybe, but he is not the man he used to be.

I think that is what really hurts the most as I think about the two of them. She knows she can never have him, and doesn't care. He knows that he will stay with B'Elanna but still harbors his other love. I have lost my chance to a fantasy, a dream secretly shared by two.

Maybe it is time to speak to my Spirit Guide again. Clear out the thoughts which constantly rest in the back of my mind. One day I will not need to scowl at the back of his head. One day I will not jump as she places her hand on his shoulder. One day I will let go of my anger and love.


	4. The Logic of Emotional Encounters

Philosophy of the Mind - The Logic of Emotional Encounters

by Riss

Logic dictates complete attention to the task at hand. However, even I sometimes stray when passing through an extremely calm area of space. Usually I reflect on Vulcan laws of logic or lately, it has been Surak's Dictates of Poetics.

Now, I seem unable to focus on either of these tasks. Another problem, idea, has invaded my thoughts. Something which defies logic commands my attention. Emotions have no place in the logical mind, yet the analysis of emotions has taken over my thought processes.

While living around emotional beings has never been a simple task, normally I retain my ability to separate their emotions from my own logical thoughts. Even when the most potent of these emotions has invaded the bridge, I was successful. Despite my outward calm and disregard for their actions, I was not unaware of the emotions passing between the two most senior members of the crew. I was, concerned, of the effects of either a relationship or a severing of their closeness. When they experienced difficult times during the encounter with the Borg, my unease was proven correct.

The second relationship to be fostered among the senior Starfleet personnel of Voyager has been less uneasy. While Mr. Paris and Lieutenant Torres have shown a lack of decorum and impulsive behavior, their relationship has proven to be enduring and strong. Both have moderated the extreme behavior of the other and actually improved their attention to the job during crisis situations.

Therefore, the present situation is extremely puzzling. If I had not observed the actions on multiple occasions, I would have assumed a flaw in my logical assumptions. Why would the Captain do anything to jeopardize this relationship? Especially since she has shown public approval of their actions ever since her blow up during the alien experiments. She never did take up my offer of flogging them. Yet, I have seen her express the desire to break them up. Nothing which would arouse the suspicions of any other crew member, but enough to form a pattern.

At first, due to the reputation of Mr. Paris, I believed he was encouraging these actions. However, my first impression as dictated in the mutiny scenario of his complete faith in the Captain was again proven correct. While his actions dictate a sharing of these emotions, he has been completely faithful.

Instead, I now believe that neither party will do anything to encourage a resolution to these emotions. Unless there is a drastic occurrence, life will proceed as it had before I came to this conclusion.

The question which has been distracting me, however, defies this logic. Why, if all indications and logical conclusions dictate a favorable outcome, do I feel something is wrong? If Vulcan's possessed intuition, I would believe that mine was telling me that somehow, even though the correct outcome is occurring, there is something missing.

Therefore, my attention is distracted slightly from the long range sensor scans as I observe the figures at the front of the bridge I am left attempting to find a logical reason to explain why I should feel anything at all, especially nonappearance of such an illogical action.


	5. The Things I See

Philosophy of the Mind - The Things I See

by Riss

I watch them. I see the way she looks at him. They are long looks full of significance. They are looks of love. They are looks a captain should not be giving to someone under her command, not if she intends to continue following protocol as she claims.

I've always been an observer. As an outsider growing up, I usually had to sit back and watch as everyone played or laughed together. Over the years I've actually gotten pretty good at it. But this hurts to watch.

She is the captain of the Voyager. There are about 150 people on the vessel. We've been working together for close to five years now. Five years dedicated to the goal of returning home. Five years of living our lives together. Five years of becoming a family.

He is one of the crew. He is the heart and soul of Voyager. Before coming on board, he was an outsider. She saved him. She was his mentor. During that relationship, I think she fell in love with him. Without him, she cannot function. Three years ago, he threatened to leave the Voyager. But, after one week, he returned, a hero for rescuing the ship once again. Even though she was the one who convinced him to go through with the plan, she still hurt as he left. She paced the corridors until he returned, and ran to sickbay as soon as she could to check on him.

She is a benevolent dictator. The crew carry out her orders with pride. She began this journey with enthusiasm. Now, she feels guilty for the long journey. No one could have foretold that the journey would take five years or more. Sure, we started out seventy thousand light years away, but that wasn't going to stop us. We all thought we would find new technology or the other Caretaker long before now. Or, with all the enemies we've made here in the Delta Quadrant, we would have been destroyed. No one believed we'd be where we are now, slowly flying home, sometimes fast and often stopping to fix Voyager yet again.

When he pilots, she watches him. She watches his hands move over the controls. She laughs at his jokes, funny or not. She smiles when he enters the room. She has all the symptoms of a person in love. She thinks that no one knows what's going on, but I know. After all, I know what its like to love Tom Paris. I've loved him for years.

I think that he loves her as well. It is not the same love as she has. He respects her because she saved his life. Without her help, he would in prison now. She spoke to the parole board and obtained his freedom. For this and for the opportunity to pilot, he cares for her. I think that at one time, he could have loved her, but now things are different, after all, he has someone now.

I don't have a problem with these things. I understand the respect and the friendship between the two. After all, I have my own mentor relationship with Chakotay. For a while I even had a crush on him, but it was never anything more. My problem is with the love. She is in a position of authority. I don't think that her actions are right. She is not interested in the feelings of other people.

There is another reason why I don't like this relationship. He is very important to me. Tom has been my lover for almost a year, and I'm not stepping aside for her.

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_This is very different than any previous versions, since I just rewrote it. I'm still not happy with it, but I don't have any ideas as to how to make it better. I don't want to do the series without a contribution from B'Elanna, so for now I'm stuck with this. If I get any inspiration, I'll fix it, or if you have any suggestions, please let me know._


	6. Integrations and Revelations

Philosophy of the Mind - Integration and Revelations

by Riss

I am Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct to the Unimatrix 01, but now I am alone. I have been a member of the Voyager crew for more than a year now. A year of learning to be an individual. A year of only hearing one voice in my head. At first, it was difficult, since the voices kept me company. Life alone seemed futile and irrelevant. Now, I am beginning to appreciate the silence. My resistance has been futile.

Life has not always been easy for me on Voyager. However, the assistance I have received from five members of this crew has been invaluable. When I was a drone, assistance came in the form of the collective. While Captain Janeway calls Voyager a small collective, the ideas and assistance are individual.

The Doctor, despite my initial uncertainty towards him for removing my Borg identity, has proven to be a great help in integrating into this crew. Himself an outsider and a program, he has attempted to instruct me in what he has learned of Voyager's ways. His course in human interaction, which I initially considered irrelevant and superfluous, has provided much insight into social interactions and irrelevant, meaningless conversation.

Lieutenant Commander Tuvok has also assisted in my integration. Also an outsider on Voyager, he has provided a logical course for me to follow. His Vulcan thought processes are the most efficient and his lack of emotional involvement mirrors my own situation at times.

Another person I consider my friend on Voyager is Ensign Kim. I have read much literature on the subject of love in an effort to understand him. When he refused my offer of copulation, Commander Chakotay suggested I examine that literature. While references to sparks seem out of place in human interactions, I believe I have begun to understand the term lust. I also was intrigued by the references to clothing in attracting one's mate. I changed my attire from the brown jumpsuit to the blue one since the literature emphasized the need for an appealing appearance. Prior to today's events, much of my contemplation of life has revolved around the Ensign.

The man I considered my first friend on Voyager is Lieutenant Paris. Only months after his offer of friendship after the incident with the Kaatati, did I finally understand what he was offering at that time. After researching his background, I believe we are also similar. Unlike the doctor and Tuvok who have always been outsiders, both Lieutenant Paris and I are humans who have been outside acceptable society, he in prison and myself part of the Borg.

His inclusion of me in his holodeck adventure, while irrelevant and frivolous, I understand to be his attempt to include me in life on the ship. As I become more aware of the complex interactions between crewmembers on this ship, I am inclined not too find these efforts quite so irrelevant. Lieutenant Paris' relationship with Lieutenant Torres is an example. The companionship and support they provide each other is not irrelevant to productivity and collective integration.

The person who provides the most confusing contemplation for me is the Captain. After much research I have decided that she fills a maternal role in my life. While at times a friend, she is also a disciplinarian and has been proven to follow a most illogical course of action at times. I do not find her casual disregard of some rules and conversely her stringent enforcement of others to be a logical course of action.

Most puzzling to me lately are her actions in certain areas. While I have made no overt observations, my enhanced perceptions of body temperature and reactions, combined with much circumstantial evidence to produce a troubling conclusion.

I have heard her speak of the positive effects of Lieutenant Paris and Torres' relationship on twenty five separate occasions, however even those words can be interpreted as an effort to, as Tuvok put it, "..see that humans often convince themselves they are right by repeating the same flawed actions or theories until they believe them to be true." I have noticed the Captain has a special fondness for Lieutenant Paris. In the beginning, I believed this special feeling came from his position as her former protege. However, I have revised my theory with further observation.

Her reactions are similar to those I have witnessed in Ensign Kim when I move close to him while working in small, enclosed areas. I have observed identical reactions, with the exception of certain anatomical differences, in the Captain when she is in similar situations with Lieutenant Paris. I have been unable to determine if the Lieutenant exhibits the same reactions due to his superior ability to hide his emotions. I have an 'instinctive feeling' that he feels more than respect for her, but no proof to verify this illogical conclusion. This has promoted my examination of relations among the Voyager crew.

Despite the overwhelming evidence, I was willing to believe I was in error due to my limited experience with these matters. As my encounters with Ensign Kim have helped me to understand, awareness of the facts from the database are not the only tools needed for comprehension. However, my observations earlier today on the bridge have convinced me that this line of reasoning is not as irrelevant as I first thought.

It was only a simple gesture that I had seen enacted many times on previous visits to the bridge. However, this time it was accompanied by a returning smile from the recipient. Prior to this occasion, I had never observed Lieutenant Paris reciprocate the Captain's flirting. This time, when she placed her hand on his shoulder, he returned what I have named his flirting smile. In the time I have spent with and observed the Lieutenant, I have catalogued a total of twenty-one different smiles. Prior to this occasion, I have only observed this smile when he and Lieutenant Torres are engaged in conversation prior to leaving the room for copulation, which I understand to be the goal of enticement.

I would like to analyze this further. However, for efficient study I shall attempt this review of my relations on Voyager by consulting another, more knowledgeable person. So far, this review has yielded no conclusive participant, since most of those I label as friends are either non-emotional or involved. Only Ensign Kim remains. However, I have observed that he is unable to keep a confidence, something that would be undesirable in this discussion. Perhaps further contemplation alone will provide a logical answer to this dilemma.


	7. The Nameless Ones Who Watch

Philosophy of the Mind - The Nameless Ones Who Watch

by Riss

Some days I'm at the transporter and others I'm working in shuttle repair. Either place, I'm practically invisible. Until a few weeks ago, I wasn't even sure anyone on the Senior Staff even knew my name. I guess I'm what they call a nameless ensign.

There are times when Lieutenant Paris or even the Captain come down to look at a new shuttle that our crew is building, that I get so frustrated. They say a quick hello to Lieutenant Carey and compliment him on his team, and that's it. I just want to scream, "I have a name! I am Ensign James Mulchaey and I would appreciate being acknowledged!"

Of course, considering what happened after Lieutenant Torres said my name, I'm not so sure anymore. Not only did I have to check on the Doctor's emitter before going on for the day shift, but it attacked me! I thought I was dead when that Borg tubule stabbed me. Until the Captain came in to investigate the transformation of the science lab, I thought I was already dead, caught in some type of purgatory. It was only when the Doctor greeted me with a friendly, "What's wrong now, a Borg infestation?" that I realized it was too surreal to be death.

Being nameless does have its advantages. I can fade into the background anywhere. I hear things when they ignore I'm there. You pick up some of the best gossip that way. I'm not talking about how Harry is in love with Seven of Nine or the old news about how Janeway dumped Chakotay. No, I pick up the really juicy stuff like the latest one going around about the Captain.

This one is almost too crazy to be believed, except that I've seen evidence of it myself. It actually came from Ensign Lang, who was in Sickbay at the time. She said that the last time Lieutenant Paris came in after getting injured, it wasn't Lieutenant Torres who waited by his bedside as he slept. She was busy down in Engineering, while our Captain watched the helmsman sleep.

Now if I hadn't seen their interaction myself on a number of occasions, I would have just laughed it off. After all, it is clear to everyone on the ship that Lieutenants Paris and Torres are very much in love with each other. Of course, I've heard some rumors lately on that one about how she was trying to kill herself to get away from him, but that's just gossip. All you need to do is see how often they are in the holodeck with the privacy lock engaged. Or talk to the poor crewman in the cabins surrounding their two cabins about how loud they can be at two in the morning.

But, there have been those three times where I've observed the two alone. The first seemed innocent until you add in what I've seen since. It was one of the days I was working the transporter, back before he got together with Lieutenant Torres. Actually, it was shortly after that salamander incident. God, there were a million jokes going around after that one. Lieutenant Paris was beaming down to assist the away team with some minor injuries from a falling tree. Just as I was about to energize, the Captain came in.

He used his most winning smile along with one of his corny lines. "Had to see me off, Captain?"

"Actually Mr. Paris, I wanted to tell you to be careful. Sensors are detecting signs of additional wind gusts."

"Thank you. Energize."

I could be wrong, but I thought I heard one more thing as his molecules began their transfer. "You could have just called."

At the time, I figured that he was just joking with the Captain, but she stayed a little too long after his transport, just starring at the pad. It was as if she wasn't expecting him to come back. Of course, that was the mission where both the Lieutenant and the Commander fell into a well together and ended up spending a couple hours alone together as a crew cleared away some metal that was preventing transport. After that, the two seemed to get along better.

The second incident was when they came down to inspect a repaired shuttle. I was busy realigning one of the conduits to the warp nacelles, so they didn't see me under the engines. Considering this was about the time that the Lieutenant was chasing after our Chief Engineer, I figured it was just him living up to his reputation.

"We should take a look inside, Captain. Carey says that he's made some improvements to the Cochrene's interior since the last scrape I put her through."

"I don't know. Considering what happened the last time I was alone with you on that shuttle..."

"Oh come on! I was a little out of my head at the time. I don't even remember trying to kidnap you, let alone piloting a shuttle."

"I don't think you were doing very much piloting at the time."

"Captain!"

"Just stating the facts. Hello Lieutenant Carey. I understand you've made some changes to the interior of the Cochrene."

Actually, now that I think about it, it wasn't the Lieutenant who started either incident. It was the Captain. Actually, this helps put into perspective the incident I saw two nights ago.

Ever since the rumor about Lieutenant Torres trying to kill herself on the holodeck, Lieutenant Paris has been spending even more time alone on the holodeck. Sure, he still comes with her, but he is spending more time with the rest of the crew in the resort, or especially Sandrines.

That's were I was the other night, getting a late night drink before heading to bed. The place was almost empty of everyone but holo-patrons when the Captain wandered in. She came in as if she was looking for someone, and headed straight over to Lieutenant Paris. He had been sitting at a table, alone, over in the corner when she joined him. Unfortunately, it was too far away for me to hear anything. Immediately she signaled for the waiter to bring over two drinks.

She took the chair next to him, rather than across from him, which gave me a good view of their interaction. As soon as their drinks arrived, she started talking to him. At first, he seemed to still be lost in thought, staring at the holo-patrons. But then his mask seemed to fall. He suddenly looked very sad and vulnerable. He talked for quite awhile, never looking at her directly. He mostly stared at his hands which were tracing patterns on the table. As his manner became so despondent that I thought he was going to start crying, she took his hands in hers.

For a moment he actually looked at her, but then returned his glaze to their now joined hands. His manner slowly began to improve, until he moved his hands away and stood. I believe he invited her to a pool game at this point. By this time, we were the only three in the holodeck. I continued to observe them as they began their game. If I am not mistaken, the Captain was flirting with him. She took every opportunity to brush up against him, and especially give him pats on the back when he made a good shot.

While he did nothing to discourage her, I didn't see him really responding to any of it. He just played the game, occasionally glancing to the door as if waiting for someone. She won the first game, but seemed to busy with her fun to win the second. Just as she was racking up the balls for the third game, the holodeck doors opened, admitting Lieutenant Torres. She seemed extremely hesitant to enter. The second Lieutenant Paris saw her, he abandoned the game and went to greet her.

They talked for a few minutes as the Captain looked on. The good mood she seemed to have been in during the game disappeared. While I did not read any jealousy or regret on her face as the couple talked, she is almost as good at hiding her emotions as Lieutenant Paris.

Finally, Lieutenant Paris took Lieutenant Torres' hand in his own and started to leave. Before they reached the door, he turned around and bid farewell to the Captain. "Sorry about the game. I'll try to take your advice. See you tomorrow."

As the Captain left me alone on the holodeck, I swear I heard her mutter, "It wasn't her I was talking about."

I wonder what would happen if I was to add that little tidbit to the rumor mill. Maybe not. Megan Delany gets very mad at any bad gossip spread about her old boyfriend. Even though she's with Garron, I think she still loves him. Considering how new a couple Jenny and I are, I really don't need to annoy her sister and risk the good thing we have going.

Anyway, I sure I'm just hearing things. After all, the two Lieutenants are in love, and the Captain is still practicing to be a nun. I'll just remain the nameless ensign minding the transporter and stay out of harms way. After all, what do I care about the Captain and Lieutenant Paris. But the stories I could tell of Sam Wildman and Lieutenant Carey...


End file.
